Our Enemies
Enemy #1: Bernie “The People’s Muppet” Sanders
As with all savvy demagogues who know someone who knows someone who knows how to use the Internet, Mr. Sanders effectively appeals to the narrow self-interests of the vast majority of Americans. Free tuition is for cry babies who had bad taste in parents. And like everything in America, healthcare is not a right, you have to earn it, like I did when daddy bought me a platinum plan. You know this. I know this. But in spite of the transparency of these non-promises, 99% of America -- losers all of them! -- have chosen this scruffy Larry David impersonator as their champion-of-the-moment. Here’s how to fight back!
Enemy #2: Zohran Mamdamani/Mandanana/Mamdamanaman/Whatever
Yes, he’s an attractive, articulate young man; yes, some of his ideas to make New York City more affordable might be popular, even brilliant, but we can’t possibly allow him to become mayor. (Watch “Billionaires Against Mamdani” in action.)
Enemy #3: Maine Senate Candidate, Graham Platner
Dubbed “Most Likely to Start a Revolution” by his high school graduating class, this scruffy, tie-less, bearded ex-Marine oyster-farmer claims, “Maine is becoming unaffordable…because we have a government by, of, and for billionaires.” Jolly-right, we do! But he says this as if it’s a bad thing. Pshaw! “I'm not just running against Susan Collins,” he says, “I'm running against the billionaire class that owns her and owns Washington.” Weeeellllll, he might have strength, character, integrity and 6,000 volunteers. But we have unlimited funds. Game on!
Enemy #4: Nebraska Senate Candidate, Dan Osborn
This “Navy man, Nebraska National Guardsman, industrial mechanic, union leader, husband and father” (as if any of these qualify you for higher office) says he’ll “roll up his sleeves and get to work, fixing what needs fixed.” I suppose you have to admire his charming naiveté and quaint working class sensibilities, but we’ve been rolling on our gold cuff links and plundering what needs fixing for so long that even if he wins he’ll be unable to undo the damage we’ve done. Bwahh hah ha ha. But, fine, let him try.